When I awoke this Easter morning, I knew I wouldn't
be at Easter dinner. I couldn't pretend today. You weren't
here to tell me how selfish I was. Yet somehow I felt
it on my own. You told me you would make my life a "living
hell." Well, I am free now, and yes, my life has
been a living hell. But I have gone from not wanting
to live anymore, attempting it, to now fighting for
my life. The only thing you could say was "What
do you think people are going to say about me?"
And somehow, still, I cared more about you than I did
myself. You went behind my back during the most difficult
time in my life, and only tried to save your own reputation.
The only thing that ever mattered to you. I begged you
to leave. So many times. I finally got brave enough
to call the police. Well, they made you leave. And now
I don't have to look at you
But your hatred and your lies hit me in my core, and
still I feel your presence. You said "I will find
someone new, as quick as I can, to prove that I am not
the problem." Well, I saw her Friday night. Was
I jealous? No. But I felt her pain as I looked into
her vulnerable eyes, for I could see myself in her.
For I once was her. I wanted to reach out to her. But
I couldn't. So I left feeling guilt and shame for not
saying a word. Daily, I hear the echoes of the lies
you told. I feel my fear deepen, as though you are still
trying to come out the "winner," with no regard
for me. And now that I am finally free from you I realize
that I am not at all. I protected your lies, your temper,
your drinking, and the abuse from others to "protect
you." It is now that I have to face what I have
done to myself by trying to protect the person I loved.
If I had only been able to love myself, as much as I
loved you. Maybe things would have been different. But
you saw to that too. I can still hear you putting me
down. I am left to look at the damage in my house. It
hurts to find out that you are saying that I was the
one who did it. I can still feel you holding me down,
though the bruises are no longer there. I can still
hear you yelling and calling me names that no woman
should hear. We go to court soon so I can seek a Full
Order of Protection. Protection from you. You see, you
have threatened my life. You told me you would "get
a gun," told me to "watch my back," told
me "don't hold your breath, your day will come."
I believe you. It is only I that knows you are true
to your word when your reputation is at stake. And now
it is my job to see that the courts believe me. You
threatened to convince people that I was crazy, that
I have mental problems. It is called Depression. And
yes, maybe I am crazy to have taken this from you for
so long. I don't love you anymore. I don't need or want
I have a new dream.
If I can help just one woman through the pain I am feeling,
then everything I have gone through will have been worth
it. It will not have been in vain. Some good will come
from my experience. You see, I am not the selfish, evil
person you portray me as.
I am fighting for the truth. Not only for myself, but
for everyother woman who is going through or has gone
through or will go through what I am experiencing. This
time, I want to win!
If you would like to contact the author
of this story, e-mail Freeagain2b@aol.com